The Official "Don't Be That Guy" List: Airplane Edition

The airplane is simply one of the greatest inventions of all time. However, the people that ride them are the absolute worst. There's just something about being on a plane that instantly makes you hate everybody. Because being in a bad mood is unavoidable when it comes to flying, you should seriously try your best to not further piss people off. To do that, follow this list of the "Guys" you should never be on a plane. You will thank me in the end:

• The "Do I Have to Take My Shoes Off" Guy:
• In what fantasy world do you live in where you don't have to remove your shoes while going through security? It's been the same rule for years. Take your shoes off and enjoy all the foot diseases you've just been exposed to.

• The "I'll Just Ignore Him" Guy:
• First off, fuck your baby. I'm no expert on the art of parenting, but I'm pretty sure ignoring your child on a plane isn't going to get him to stop crying. 

• The "That Crying Baby is Cute" Guy:
• The only thing worse than a crying baby on a plane is the person who thinks it's adorable that they're upset. As you happily point out that a baby is crying, I cannot wish hard enough that the emergency door opens and you get sucked out of the plane.

• The "Which Button Is It" Guy:
• Let's see here. Which button could be the one to turn the light on: the one that looks like a light bulb, or the one that looks like a human being? You know what, let's press the human button and see if it turns on the light. If it doesn't turn on, at least you just notified the entire airplane that you're retarded.

• The "I Love Strangers" Guy:
• You might love talking to strangers and learning all about them, but the ABSOLUTE last thing I want to do while sitting in a cramped space is chat it up with a total rando. I don't care how great of a vacation you just went on/you're about to go on, the second you open your mouth, about 1% of my heart hopes there's a terrorist on board. Only 1% though, so don't worry.

• The "I Need Light to Sleep" Guy:
• I don't fully understand the science behind flying, but there has got to be some crazy wormhole that planes go through mid-flight that convince certain people they need to sleep with their light on (I've found that these people are usually Which Button Is It Guys). Considering you probably don't sleep at night with the light on in your normal bed, God only knows why you feel it's necessary to do so on a public airplane.

• The "Time Zone Smartass" Guy:
• When someone asks what time it is where they're going and a person answers, it makes my skin crawl. The reason? Because 9 times out of 10, the person answering has no understanding of time zones and is completely wrong. What's the worst part? They are so confident in their answer even though they have no clue they couldn't be less correct.

• The "I Can't Believe We Landed" Guy:
• Clapping? We're CLAPPING when planes land now? Are you kidding me?! Do you clap when a doctor measures your height? Do you clap when a barber cuts the final strand of hair? First of all, pilots aren't there to perform, so applauding them as they land (also known as "doing their job") makes no sense. To me, you clapping means that, up until the second the plane landed safely, you were under the impression the plane was going to end up in two pieces in the middle of the ocean. If the Government ever decided they wanted to control America's population, they should have a simple, 1-question quiz to help. The question: "Do you clap when planes land". If you answer "Yes," you should be the first person killed off. Yes, that's right. First. Right ahead of pedophiles.

God Bombs

You may be looking at the title of this post and find yourself a tad confused. You are probably wondering what "God Bombs" are. Well, I'll tell you. The term God Bomb is a little phrase I came up with to describe certain athletes who just happen be talking in an interview then, out of nowhere, BOOM! They owe all of their accomplishments to God. GOD BOMB! It's kind of like an F Bomb or an S Bomb. But instead of cursing, they're dropping Gods.

Now, let me just start this off by explaining something: I don't care what your religious beliefs are nor do I expect you to think in a certain way. That's the great thing about this country, you can do or say anything you want (in theory). But if I hear one more athlete give an interview then drop a God Bomb mid sentence, I'm going to lose it. You've heard of separation of church and state? Well I propose a new concept: separation of church and stadium.

Keep your beliefs off of my television. Just once I would love to hear someone give an interview without thanking their God. You make millions of dollars to play a game, but the second you describe how talented athletically you are, you decide to no longer be selfish and claim your skills are a gift of God. How about all those years you trained at your sport? The countless hours you spent in the gym and on the field/court perfecting every little detail of your game? How about your parents for supporting your decision as a kid to make the sport your whole life? No, forget all that. That stuff didn't really help.

What if I were being interviewed and at the very end I just said this: "And last but not least, I just want to thank my lord and savior Tickle Me Elmo. You were always there for me when I needed you." Weird, right? Or is it?

Who's to say that the red, cuddly creature isn't a "God" of some sorts? He's loved and adored everywhere around the world. He brings joy to people. That's a sort of God-type quality, is it not? Hell, the Elmo to the right and the God above are both doing the same open-arm pose.

Is Elmo a God? Probably not. But who's to say that your specific beliefs are correct? The fact of the matter is, no matter what you believe, no matter how you think (in terms of religion), chances are, you probably aren't going to convince other people to think exactly like you. It's great that you feel a certain way, but keep it to yourself. When I'm watching ESPN, I want to hear discussions about sports. I want to hear athletes talk about the game. I don't want to hear them preaching. I don't want to know how prayer has "set you free". Sports are one thing, religion is another. Keep them separate, and I'm a happy camper.

Should people continue to combine sports and religion, my new goal in life will become this: Find some way to became super famous, win a prestigious award and give a speech. Then at the very end of the speech, I will make sure I thank my lord and savior Tickle Me Elmo. So remember that now. Because sooner or later, you are eventually going to be Elmo Bombed!

Mall Monsters

Every mall seems to attract its own particular type of style and its own crowd. But one thing stays consistent, no matter what mall you go to. And that one thing is the leeches that work at those little kiosks. I like to call them "Mall Monsters".

Now, some of you are nice and simply brush these people off as they try to talk to you; you may not even notice they are there. But if you're like me, all you can see is their pathetic attempt to get you to buy something. They feed off of people passing by like salespeople in Americanized cities of Mexico.

Yesterday, I was in a mall and approached a T-Mobile kiosk (I didn't even know T-Mobile was still a thing). I had my phone in my hand - that was my first mistake. And there he stood, a mobile phone kiosk salesman; the worst of the Mall Monsters.

The guy, no older than 20 years old, spotted me a mile away. And I knew what was coming as I walked by. "How's it going," he asked me. I simply nodded back, thinking my obvious lack of interest would eliminate any further attempt to talk to me. How wrong I was. The salesman looked at me dead in the eye and asked me a question a starving child in Africa with no communication to the outside world could answer: "What kind of phone is that?" I quickly looked into my right hand to see if someone was playing a satanic trick on me and had changed the device I was holding to some unknown product never see by human eyes. Sure enough though, the device I was holding was still an iPhone. You've heard of those, right? They're made by Apple, kind of popular.

What kind of phone is that? Really? That's the best you got? That's your sales pitch? You have one chance to make a first impression and your go to opening line was to ask what that rectangular object with an apple on the back in my hand is. Is it wrong to hope something bad happens to this guy simply based on this one question?

The sheer stupidity of this question launched me into a state of shock, and the only way I could react was with pure silence. This guy's stupid question literally stunned me into silence. That has never happened before.

So, for future reference, put your phone away, put some headphones in and next time you see one of these people, try your best to avoid them. Because, should they start talking to you, rumor has it that a 2 minute conversation could have catastrophic results.