The Official "Don't Be That Guy" List: Airplane Edition

The airplane is simply one of the greatest inventions of all time. However, the people that ride them are the absolute worst. There's just something about being on a plane that instantly makes you hate everybody. Because being in a bad mood is unavoidable when it comes to flying, you should seriously try your best to not further piss people off. To do that, follow this list of the "Guys" you should never be on a plane. You will thank me in the end:

• The "Do I Have to Take My Shoes Off" Guy:
• In what fantasy world do you live in where you don't have to remove your shoes while going through security? It's been the same rule for years. Take your shoes off and enjoy all the foot diseases you've just been exposed to.

• The "I'll Just Ignore Him" Guy:
• First off, fuck your baby. I'm no expert on the art of parenting, but I'm pretty sure ignoring your child on a plane isn't going to get him to stop crying. 

• The "That Crying Baby is Cute" Guy:
• The only thing worse than a crying baby on a plane is the person who thinks it's adorable that they're upset. As you happily point out that a baby is crying, I cannot wish hard enough that the emergency door opens and you get sucked out of the plane.

• The "Which Button Is It" Guy:
• Let's see here. Which button could be the one to turn the light on: the one that looks like a light bulb, or the one that looks like a human being? You know what, let's press the human button and see if it turns on the light. If it doesn't turn on, at least you just notified the entire airplane that you're retarded.

• The "I Love Strangers" Guy:
• You might love talking to strangers and learning all about them, but the ABSOLUTE last thing I want to do while sitting in a cramped space is chat it up with a total rando. I don't care how great of a vacation you just went on/you're about to go on, the second you open your mouth, about 1% of my heart hopes there's a terrorist on board. Only 1% though, so don't worry.

• The "I Need Light to Sleep" Guy:
• I don't fully understand the science behind flying, but there has got to be some crazy wormhole that planes go through mid-flight that convince certain people they need to sleep with their light on (I've found that these people are usually Which Button Is It Guys). Considering you probably don't sleep at night with the light on in your normal bed, God only knows why you feel it's necessary to do so on a public airplane.

• The "Time Zone Smartass" Guy:
• When someone asks what time it is where they're going and a person answers, it makes my skin crawl. The reason? Because 9 times out of 10, the person answering has no understanding of time zones and is completely wrong. What's the worst part? They are so confident in their answer even though they have no clue they couldn't be less correct.

• The "I Can't Believe We Landed" Guy:
• Clapping? We're CLAPPING when planes land now? Are you kidding me?! Do you clap when a doctor measures your height? Do you clap when a barber cuts the final strand of hair? First of all, pilots aren't there to perform, so applauding them as they land (also known as "doing their job") makes no sense. To me, you clapping means that, up until the second the plane landed safely, you were under the impression the plane was going to end up in two pieces in the middle of the ocean. If the Government ever decided they wanted to control America's population, they should have a simple, 1-question quiz to help. The question: "Do you clap when planes land". If you answer "Yes," you should be the first person killed off. Yes, that's right. First. Right ahead of pedophiles.